Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

You could have never explained to me what it was like to be a mother. I would have never been able to grasp it through the common words used to describe motherhood. There are no words to describe what it must have been like for you to decide to foster a child when you already had 3 of your own. No powerful words can sum up what emotion ran through your veins the night you became a single parent, deciding you would no longer be a punching bag for our drunk dad. No wise words can encompass how a mom is supposed to handle the issues of rape, drug use, gangs, sex, and molestation. There simply are no words. It is an endless dry river bed.

A mother does what she knows how to do…her best and no more. No words can match with sincere conviction the truth that motherhood does not involve hindsight, no 20/20. It is imperative to make the best choices & decisions at each moment, in each situation….for the effects & consequences are long lasting & far reaching. A mother’s 20/20 hindsight is called an apology; a lesson learned. No verbiage could have described that to me in such detail that I would comprehend it’s depth. You do your best & when it’s not enough? You learn, you apologize with your heart on your sleeve…that’s it. There is no magic cure to heal the pain caused when you fall short as a mother. 

Giving birth to 3 children of my own, has given me an insight into the unique human experience of motherhood. Without words & through experience, I have come to understand you. I have come to forgive you for all that never actually needed forgiving. When I look back now…I see you as a woman having the human experience of motherhood…having the courage to go it alone vs staying with an abusive alcoholic; tirelessly working 2-3 jobs at a time to stay off welfare; unconditionally loving & caring for more children than you gave birth to (because that is who you are); nurturing love, creativity & inspiration in all little children; humbly seeking out a support network instead of falling apart and all the while facing chronic illness one day at a time.

I just want you to know that the past few years of my own motherhood journey, (illness, adolescence, puberty, teenage initiations & the next stop…kindergarten) have given me a deeper sense of connection to you, as a person but also as my mom. I do not look back at the past the same way anymore. My childhood has forever been transformed in a positive way by my new perspective of you. 

Lately, I find myself laying down after a hard day, on my own with 3 kids vying for my time. Mikel is at work, dinner needs to be made, money is running low again, the puppy needs to go outside and I don’t have the energy for any of it…that is when I think of you. I ask myself, “How did she do it?” You didn’t have a Mikel, a nice house or full refrigerator….you were working 2 jobs, had no car, a slim bank account and had to come home on the public bus with 12 bags of groceries to feed 4 hungry teenagers going through each of their own crisis’. Now, I get it that you were tired, overwhelmed, probably lonely, under appreciated and in physical pain. I admit, that was not how I experienced it as a teenager. However, my memories have changed entirely as I recall my childhood as a mother. 

I love you Mom. I thank you for bravely raising us without dad in Hollywood of all places; taking us on those long bus rides to the beach; griffith park; Bronson Caves; Thrifty’s ice cream; the YMCA swimming pool; YMCA summer camp; Alateen; Magnet Schools; Chicken Enchilladas; Jean Pollacheck; teaching me about snails; Barnsdall; arts & crafts; road trips; getting lost; my first pair of Jordache Jeans from the Beverly Center; all the handmade special birthday cakes; mirror tiles in the living room; Paradise Cove; Do Re Mi; Sanrio; Santa Clause; the Easter Bunny; the Tooth Fairy; punching that guy who whistled at me on the corner or Van Ness & Melrose; being supportive when I became pregnant at age 17; loving your grandkids excessively; your generosity; teaching me how to knit & crochet; teaching me tolerance & unconditional love; showing me tolerance & unconditional love and most importantly…thank you for your best, it has not gone unnoticed.

I love you Mom… Happy Mothers Day (week)!

Love,

Ammey